Relationships
Real independence isn't not needing anyone. It's knowing how to depend on people without losing yourself in them.
That's harder than it sounds, and it's what brings a lot of people to therapy — difficulty in the relationships that matter most, with parents, with a partner, with close friends.
Early relationships shape patterns that outlast the situation that created them. Say you grew up around harshness. You may have become someone who is kind in every interaction, with everyone, always. That looks like the better outcome, and in one sense it is. But kindness that isn't a choice becomes an obligation — and obligations breed resentment when they aren't returned. Living at either extreme costs you something.
As long as you're living in reaction to what happened, what happened is still deciding things for you.
Psychodynamic therapy is a chance to understand how your earlier relationships shaped who you are now. Not only to understand them — to feel what's attached to them. That's usually the part that's been avoided, and it's the part that changes something.
What tends to follow is a steadier sense of your own worth, and it shows up in how you relate to people. It becomes easier to say what you need, harder to go along with things you don't want, and possible to compromise without feeling like you're giving yourself away.
When we're afraid, we hold on tighter — and holding on tightly is often what pushes people away. We're all dependent on each other; that isn't the problem. The work is learning to be close to someone while still being someone.
I try to make the room a place where you can say anything — where you don't have to walk on eggshells, or soften what you think, or watch your words to stay acceptable.
If this sounds like something you'd like to explore, I offer a free [15-minute] consultation call. You can leave a confidential voicemail at 805-307-7066.
That's harder than it sounds, and it's what brings a lot of people to therapy — difficulty in the relationships that matter most, with parents, with a partner, with close friends.
Early relationships shape patterns that outlast the situation that created them. Say you grew up around harshness. You may have become someone who is kind in every interaction, with everyone, always. That looks like the better outcome, and in one sense it is. But kindness that isn't a choice becomes an obligation — and obligations breed resentment when they aren't returned. Living at either extreme costs you something.
As long as you're living in reaction to what happened, what happened is still deciding things for you.
Psychodynamic therapy is a chance to understand how your earlier relationships shaped who you are now. Not only to understand them — to feel what's attached to them. That's usually the part that's been avoided, and it's the part that changes something.
What tends to follow is a steadier sense of your own worth, and it shows up in how you relate to people. It becomes easier to say what you need, harder to go along with things you don't want, and possible to compromise without feeling like you're giving yourself away.
When we're afraid, we hold on tighter — and holding on tightly is often what pushes people away. We're all dependent on each other; that isn't the problem. The work is learning to be close to someone while still being someone.
I try to make the room a place where you can say anything — where you don't have to walk on eggshells, or soften what you think, or watch your words to stay acceptable.
If this sounds like something you'd like to explore, I offer a free [15-minute] consultation call. You can leave a confidential voicemail at 805-307-7066.